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Last week, I walked into my housemate Michelle’s room to, honestly, just complain about being exhausted. I felt like I was hit by a truck, but I had not done anything too extraneous. Starting at a new gym or picking up extra shifts at work could be the cause? But, then my sweet friend kindly reminded me that I am going through a lot of change – with school, family and just life in general – it’s exhausting.
Change comes with a variety of emotions – it is hard and ugly, but also beautiful and encourages growth. I often push the hard and ugly away and try to only see the positive in every situation. That is important, but it is also important to allow myself to sit in the “suckyness”– cry, yell and be angry.
For me, comforting others is easier than being comforted. I want to be a light and spread joy to others. I hate when people feel bad for me; I never want to make people uncomfortable, and I worry about sharing too much. When I was finally able to share some of the hard changes going on in my life with my sweet friend, I played it down. She knows me so well; she could read right through everything I was saying. I was talking about all these hard things with a smile on my face, saying, “Things will turn out better in the end.” I am confident they will, but I failed to recognize the pain that I am having in this moment. She kindly told me, “Grace, this is really hard, and it is ok to be upset. I know you want to always be happy, but you can be a happy person and still have moments that suck.” As those words left her mouth, the tears began to stream down my face. Finally, someone was taking the pressure off. I did not have to hold it together for her. She met me where I was at, let me cry for a minute, then we continued to watch our rom com like nothing had happened.
I am beyond thankful for my small tribe of people who, like Michelle, have allowed me to feel comfortable being comforted. I get so caught up in this identity I have created for myself of always being happy and bubbly, that I push every other emotion away. I am working on letting myself feel ALL my emotions — the good, the beautiful, the bad and the UGLY.
I guess I wanted to share this with all of you to remind you (and really to remind myself) that being a happy person does not mean you are free from trials that make life hard. Allow yourself to sit in the suck. Then, when you are ready, start spreading your light and love again — but only when you are ready. And know that there will be days and moments that are harder than others, and sometimes a good cry and a hug from a friend can make everything so much better.
